week 3, day 1
Yoga was good today. Still havent sat out yet, but i was feeling pretty tired all day. Probably because i didnt go to sleep until 3 this morn.
I was up all night studying my anatomy shit. Anything to avoid dialogue. I am really struggling with it. It goes in one ear and out the other. Damn it to heck for all the times that i checked my brain at the yoga door.
So the anatomy test this morning was easy. I would have got 50 out of 50, except that Dr. T decided to play a trick on question number 49. Which is ironically the score that i got on the test. Ive let it go and have dealt with the result. Too bad my dialogue isnt so easy for me. It is really stressing me out to watch all the people hammer out their back bending posture dialogue without any difficulty. I am about an inch away from having a bit of a meltdown. Who knows how big.
I didnt realise just how messed up i really am. The frustraion is bringing up all the other shit from my childhood and even shit from the army and my relationships. I dont want to meltdown because nobody really cares to experience it. Although the teacher trainers say that they are here for us, i already know that is bs.
Nobody likes to see a man cry. Even the granola-munching, armpit-haired, tree-hugging, new age ladies here, in reality, dont want to see me cry. I feel like i am alone and that everyone is against me - story of my life.
Im not able to concentrate on dialogue and im not one to issue excuses regarding why it appears that i havent studied and therefore dont give a shit.
Not the case. I just dont feel like explaining myself. What good would that do. Like i said: nobody really cares. Words of well-wishing are so easy to say.
Oddly enough, im not too emotional during class. Just a wee bit of anger. Okay, a lot. Anyways, its after class that i feel like i would like to hit my head against a wall in order to pass out, and not feel what im feeling. Frustration, sadness, whatever.
Stay tuned, i have a hunch that i might lose it this week.