Monday, April 21, 2008

semane tres

week 3, day 1

Yoga was good today. Still havent sat out yet, but i was feeling pretty tired all day. Probably because i didnt go to sleep until 3 this morn.
I was up all night studying my anatomy shit. Anything to avoid dialogue. I am really struggling with it. It goes in one ear and out the other. Damn it to heck for all the times that i checked my brain at the yoga door.
So the anatomy test this morning was easy. I would have got 50 out of 50, except that Dr. T decided to play a trick on question number 49. Which is ironically the score that i got on the test. Ive let it go and have dealt with the result. Too bad my dialogue isnt so easy for me. It is really stressing me out to watch all the people hammer out their back bending posture dialogue without any difficulty. I am about an inch away from having a bit of a meltdown. Who knows how big.
I didnt realise just how messed up i really am. The frustraion is bringing up all the other shit from my childhood and even shit from the army and my relationships. I dont want to meltdown because nobody really cares to experience it. Although the teacher trainers say that they are here for us, i already know that is bs.
Nobody likes to see a man cry. Even the granola-munching, armpit-haired, tree-hugging, new age ladies here, in reality, dont want to see me cry. I feel like i am alone and that everyone is against me - story of my life.
Im not able to concentrate on dialogue and im not one to issue excuses regarding why it appears that i havent studied and therefore dont give a shit.
Not the case. I just dont feel like explaining myself. What good would that do. Like i said: nobody really cares. Words of well-wishing are so easy to say.
Oddly enough, im not too emotional during class. Just a wee bit of anger. Okay, a lot. Anyways, its after class that i feel like i would like to hit my head against a wall in order to pass out, and not feel what im feeling. Frustration, sadness, whatever.
Stay tuned, i have a hunch that i might lose it this week.


DamianK said...

Hey Dude! Wow, it sounds like you are in tough. You are right, words from this side are just that, words. I know we are all pulling for you.
The dialogue - can you associate a picture in your head with the words or phrases? Use different images of familiar things and link them to the dialogue. I don't know. Record the dialogue onto a tape recorder and play it by your ear when you go to sleep. I've tried that and it seemed to help but I think it was kinda like when you do a cheat sheet and don't end up using it because making the cheat sheet made you learn the stuff?
I have been enjoying your blog. Well, the man is yelling at me to get back to work.
Stay Strong - you have all that you need in you.

stomanek said...

Hey J
I sent you a giant email so watch for it in your hotmail mailbox (subject line ' greetings from the great white north'). I hope it provides some insight for you, some thoughts on what the deal is with TT. Dialogue, well all I can say is that when it matters most - in a room full of students - you will get it. Let the nerves go, the stress go, when you have to reach for it when it really counts it will come. Plus you're only on backbending - you have TIME to figure out what works for ya. I was calling bullshit on the repetition, repetition, repetition and was determined that how I learned in school was the way....well not so at TT. I must have said that damn dialogue a billion times and thats what made it stick for me. Different strokes right, play around with it and see what you are drawn to - there is no one size fits all for this stuff.